This week has been a hard week, full of self-reflection and an inner battle between what I believe about myself and what is true. For the longest time I couldn’t distinguish between the two. I only saw the negative beliefs about myself to be “true” – so naturally I hid them, buried them deep down where I didn’t have to look at them and acknowledge them. I could ignore them and be ‘fine’, right? Well at least for a while, until life decided to be life and hand me some tough times. So I did what I could to survive – I became numb, I retreated so I wouldn’t get hurt anymore, I put up walls. I felt “safe” for a while too. Now though, I am in a new place where the walls have begun to crumble and I am both terrified and relieved. It is kind of exhausting keeping them in place all the time – and worse too it’s lonely! It is a weird place to be found. It means I have to trust that God is there and will not let me go, it means I have to face some tough things about myself and let the walls come down…
So this is me – I am a mess. I am finally not afraid to admit that, which is a huge step forward! I am a broken person who fails on a regular basis; who battles that inner voice daily telling me I’m not good enough, worthy enough, not ENOUGH. I am quick to judge others and even quicker to judge myself. Because really it is me that I have a problem with – and I judge others for what I myself struggle with – isn’t it always easier to see flaws in others rather than face them in ourselves? I put on masks and play pretend. I am not perfect but I strive for perfect and am constantly frustrated & disappointed when I do not find it in others & myself! I shut down easily…too easily because I choose to believe that lie! The logical part of me abhors this about myself – because NO ONE IS PERFECT! DUH! But the irrational part of me, the part of me that that believes I’m not enough, that longs to be ENOUGH and thinks perfection (or at least the “image of perfection”) will make me feel good enough. Bad news is that it doesn’t work. Nothing I try on my own works. Good news is that God loves me anyways! He loves me imperfections included, He forgives me, He thinks I AM ENOUGH. So here is my challenge – to believe it. To embrace this love and accept it – even when I don’t feel worthy of it. Especially when I don’t feel worthy enough. To learn to accept myself as He created me, to forgive myself and love myself as He sees me.
It may be because of what God’s been trying to teach me and how I’m FINALLY starting to get it, it may be because I’m tired of fighting it and ready to FINALLY let go, to seek His help. Whatever the case is it got me thinking that I should go with this self-reflection and share it. This way it is more REAL. Who knows, maybe you struggle with some of these issues too and need the reminder that in God’s eyes you are ‘beautifully and wonderfully made’ – You are ENOUGH! He LOVES YOU! This verse I believe is my gift from God this week and I thought I’d share it with you:
“The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” ~Zephaniah 3:17
So I thought I’d put my self-reflection into some kind of self-expression….or self-portraits! UGH! I much prefer to be BEHIND the camera! Oh sure I love having a photo shoot with friends and goofing off when I’m NOT the one taking the picture, but it’s an entirely different ball game when you are the one taking photo & the photo’s subject. It feels awkward, it feels weird, it feels uncomfortable and I felt exposed…but when I thought about it that is exactly how I feel in this moment anyway and there is a certain kind of freedom in it when you push past all the other stuff. So here are a few my self-portraits – they are not conventional in any way – they are me!
“…You’re mad, bonkers, completely off your head. But I’ll tell you a secret. All the best people are.” -Alice In Wonderland
Thanks for reading!
PS, here’s my newest mix @ 8tracks